Wayfaring Stranger

Does Jesus Care

Interesting title, isn't it? Great song title too. Of course he does, right? But when it comes right down to it, when I'm in the midst of turmoil everywhere I turn, is my answer the same? I've had a tough few months. Not Katrina by any means but in my little world it's a big deal. And in the light of the recent earthquake and 20,000 more dead I feel a little guilty for even thinking about my piddly little issues. But more about that later.

My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter moved to Texas two weeks ago. Thankfully, they moved to Amarillo in the Panhandle but from Indiana it's still a long way away. They talked about this major life change for several months before it happened and we prayed for it a long time. And there is the rub. I prayed dilligently about this move. I told God all the reasons they shouldn't go and all the things I felt about living so far from my grandchildren (a new one is due in December). But at the end of all of my prayers I prayed his will be done and please give me the strength to deal with it. And it happened anyway. And I am trying to deal with it.

Over the weekend I went to the Zoe Conference and met my daughter and her family there. We had four wonderful days together and I grew more and more tense as the time rushed on. I had an opportunity to spend an hour with a spiritual director on Saturday. I went in with an idea of what I needed to talk about and eager to hear what he had to say. Not far into the time with him, he caught an off handed remark I made and turned the entire time on it's head. I cried the rest of the time and talked about God and prayer and from the depths of my hurt and my heart I heard these words come out of my mouth. "I feel like maybe God isn't really even there." I sat there in stunned silence for a few moments just letting that sink in.

I grew up moving. Every three years we moved and every time it was long distances--Texas to Washington State, Texas to northern Minnesota, etc. We left my grandparents when I was 5 days old and came back when I was five years old. At the age of 10 we left my grandparents for good. What I know about my family is very sparse and what they know about me is probably even less than that. Then when I was grown with children of my own, we moved our children away from their grandparents due to a job change. I have a strong distaste toward even the idea of moving. Yes, there are many ways I see how God worked in my life in each of the places we have lived. I am much closer to God now than I was before I came to Indiana. I know all of the positives. I feel the negatives. What is it about my family that we have to be separated from each other? I don't think my husband would have ever had to leave his family if he hadn't been married to me. It's a curse on my family. Now that is an exaggeration. But that's been the depth of my despair these last few weeks as we awaited this latest move.

So as I sat there with the Spiritual Director, it seemed that just saying out loud what my heart has been fearing broke through the tightening web of pain. The rest of the day I received affirming love from God through other people, scripture and so many of the songs we sang. A few days ago I got a devotional thought that talked about whether God cares for us or not. Will God protect me? The author's point was that God is in the business of protecting our souls and glorifying himself through us. He never promised to protect my life or make me feel better. In fact, if you look at scripture, there was a lot of suffering that happened in the name of Jesus --including his own crucifixion. That has moved my thinking into an entirely new area. Picking up the cross and following Jesus isn't pleasant or comfortable or necessarily in the same town as the rest of your family. The point is that I keep walking and following and trusting. He'll take care of the rest. Yes he is there and he does care. He hurts deeply for the thousands misplaced by the two hurricanes that struck the south. He sees and feels the pain and fear of the huge earthquake that hit the Pakistan area over the weekend. At the same time, he sees, hears, and feels my pain and disappointment and questioning heart. I trust to him none of it is piddly.

posted by Dana @ 11:29 AM