Spiritual direction
We had our silent retreat last weekend. As always the Benedict Inn in Beech Grove was wonderful and hospitable to us all. It's begun to feel kind of like a home away from home--very comfortable. During our retreat the last two years we have had the opportunity of speaking with a spiritual director. I've been lucky the last couple of years to meet with one twice each year. That is about to change.The lady I talked with on Saturday was the sweetest, most gentle soul. She greeted me with a warm hug and treated me like her dearest friend. It was the first of what I expect to be many such meetings. She asked me about myself and then what brought me to seek out a spiritual director. And with a great deal of thoughtfulness I replied that I felt this emptiness inside me. Yep! I really gave her a lot to work with. But instead of rolling her eyes and saying well it was nice meeting you, come back when you have something to talk about, she smiled and said we would work on that and we did.
We began talking about prayer and how I feel so inadequate in that area of my life. As a result, I end up avoiding it altogether. I told her I was struggling with a friend and felt at a loss of how to deal with some things in that relationship. I told her my kids had moved and I felt such loss at their absence. Even though I am so grateful for instant messaging and cell phones that allow free long distance calling between members of families and I-Chat, none of that can take the place of long hugs and sweet sloppy granddaughter kisses and squeezes and just holding them and reading with them. The discussion finally came back to the lack of prayer and that the emptiness inside of me was a hunger for God that I have not been feeding. We talked about contemplative prayer or centering prayer. She talked about how she's been practicing contemplative prayer for 35 years and still struggles with it. She gave me wonderful ideas of how to control the crazy flying thoughts that often bombard me when I sit down to pray. She told me that if I fall asleep--as I often do--it's okay because I am still spending time with God and that's what is important. And she encouraged me to use my mornings to pray before I start my day.
By the time we ended our time together, I had begun to feel that hole start to fill up a little bit. I started to feel a lot less strained around the edges. I left feeling encouraged and with my sense of purpose intact once again. I have practiced prayer this week. Not as often as I want to but I figure it is a start and apparently that's why it's called practice because I don't have it down pat. I also had made a decision to stick with this spiritual director. We clicked somehow and I felt like we could have a relationship I could trust. She also encouraged me to consider becoming a spiritual director. She said I have the qualities that make one a good spiritual director. That in itself thrilled me to my toes because I have wanted to do that for a long time. I hope that in the process of being directed, I may be allowed to learn to turn around and be a director to someone else. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Older women, teaching/guiding the younger women? I think it is a worthy goal. That emptiness I have been feeling may be filled with so much more than I expected by the God whose presence I crave more than ever.
posted by Dana @ 3:58 PM
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